I know that politics is very much in the air, but this was still my favorite headline in the newspaper over the last week or so, and it really isn't even close:
Assault lawsuit by 'Porky's' actor against Leonardo DiCaprio dismissed
With a headline like that, you just know the article's going to be fun. And this one most certainly did not disappoint. From Associated Press:
A lawsuit targeting "Titanic" star Leonardo DiCaprio and two other men for their alleged roles in a street fight over "Showgirls" actress Elizabeth Berkley was thrown out by a judge Wednesday.
Roger Wilson, 44, an actor who appeared in two of the "Porky's" movies, said one of DiCaprio's "posse" punched him when he confronted them about repeated telephone calls to Berkley, his girlfriend.
First off, it's almost criminal that they somehow weren't able to fit Elizabeth Berkley into that headline. If you can manage to get DiCaprio, "Porky's," and the chick from "Showgirls" and "Saved By The Bell" in the same headline, I think you instantly win a Pulitzer.
Looking past that, I'm still stuck on the concept of Leonardo DiCaprio having a "posse." Not to slight Titanic Boy or anything, but that's got to be the weakest posse in Hollywood these days. (I am, of course, assuming that neither Pauly Shore nor Carrot Top has a posse.) Does hanging with DiCaprio really bring with it all sorts of perks? So far, I only see two of them:
- You meet dudes who were in "Porky's"
- You, like every other man in America, get a chance to sleep with Elizabeth Berkley
I'd like to have a posse of my own, but I really have no idea what I would have it do. I live a relatively boring life, and I'd think I'd grow tired of dealing with my posse within a day or two. "Yo, J, I started your car. I changed the channel fo' you, J. I brought you back some tacos."
Fine. Shut up, already. Go back to Leo DiCaprio, for crying out loud. Maybe he's hiring.
OUR HATE-MONGERING FRIENDS OVER IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY are still doing their damnedest to scare some less-educated and more-easily-influenced possible voters. Here's a charming new tactic from the Bastard Right. From the Associated Press:
Campaign mail with a return address of the Republican National Committee warns West Virginia voters that the Bible will be prohibited and men will marry men if liberals win in November.
The literature shows a Bible with the word "BANNED" across it and a photo of a man, on his knees, placing a ring on the hand of another man with the word "ALLOWED." The mailing tells West Virginians to "vote Republican to protect our families" and defeat the "liberal agenda."
Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie said Friday that he wasn't aware of the mailing, but said it could be the work of the RNC. "It wouldn't surprise me if we were mailing voters on the issue of same-sex marriage," Gillespie said.
Yeah, douchebag. It wouldn't surprise me either.
Clearly, the idea here is to take the most outlandish, fearful lie possible and subject comparatively uneducated people to it in an effort to scare them into voting for Chicken George, the King of All Idiots. Maybe the DNC should flood West Virginia with a mailer saying, "George W. Bush is going to kill your grandma" because of his position on stem-cell research. Or how about, "Republicans want to touch your penis" with pictures of Ed Schrock. Or why not just go with, "NAMBLA Endorses Former Member Bush"? Why even try linking the story with fact? That's the way they always do it.
Yeah, I'm kidding. I think.
WHILE READING VARIOUS NEWS REPORTS regarding all the different things Chicken George is doing to screw up our country, the thought occurred to me: Why does George W. Bush hate Americans so damn much? I don't think that's an overstatement. Because I am not a corporation, I think George W. Bush truly hates me. If I were especially poor, I think he'd hate me even more. And if I were Latino, I think he'd hate me while pretending to like me by speaking really lousy Spanish to me.
Anyway, I wound up making it the topic of my latest column in The Times-Patriot. Here's an excerpt:
It wasn't that long ago when lopping off the head of an American drew the ire of the entire American populace. These days, it apparently doesn't even warrant a mention from the President of the United States. George W. Bush has yet to comment on Hensley's killing and at this point probably never will.
The day before Hensley was killed, Bush said the nation "stands in solidarity" with the hostage while meeting with his personal dancing bear, Iraqi Prime Minister and Puppet Ayad Allawi. It was improbable that Hensley's captors would have ever released him anyway, but those words from Bush — spoken with the hated Allawi standing nearby — likely hastened the homicide.
"Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with the Hensley family," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan after Hensley's murder. "Their strength during a difficult time is amazing. The terrorists want to shake our will, but they will not." In other words, the Hensley family received two sentences of comfort from the press secretary — not even the president himself, but the lousy press secretary — before the Bush administration began politicizing the event.
Go ahead and check it out for yourself if you're so inclined. While there, be a sport and click on some of those Google text ads, would ya? I get pathetically small amounts of money (which I generally turn around and give to congressional candidates I'd like to see win) whenever you do that.
RARELY DO I BRING stuff from my day job into this blog, but this is sort of funny.
Among my different responsibilities, I write a marketing newsletter that goes out to developers. Developers tend to have senses of humor that are relatively close to mine, so I often have fun with it. Last week, I wrote that I was feeling a little blue because my bride-to-be left me at the altar. I then went on to suggest that my bride-to-be was actually Britney Spears.
Anyway, I received tons of feedback, including messages from at least three people who thought I was serious. I write about it in a bit more detail in my work blog.
AS I CONTINUE MY WALK DOWN RANDOM-ASS TOPIC LANE, let me point you to a site with some seriously fab music.
If you're into quasi-punk alt.country (and hey, if you aren't, you really should be), you have to visit the site for Buddy Woodward and the Nitro Express and lift a couple of his songs from the Listening Room. There are a couple of must-haves on that page, but the one that really stands out to me is "Other Man." It's easy to understand sometimes how a country that makes Jessica Simpson a star while ignoring great-sounding songs with terrific lyrics like "Other Man" can also manage to make Chicken George president.
Anyway, Buddy almost sounds like the product of a laboratory experiment that tried to combine Michael Nesmith with Buck Owens. Go listen to him, and spread the word to some friends. Music like this deserves to thrive.
I should point out that I actually know Buddy, although not particularly well. I've been friends with his brother Todd for something like 20 years now, and I remember the times Todd and I and a few other of our dorky high-school friends would go out and catch one of Buddy's gigs. One concert event was called Wind Gerbil, if I remember correctly. Please don't ask me how or why I remember that.
Obviously, we're all older dorks now, but we know good music when we hear it. Give it a listen.
FINALLY TONIGHT, the first debate between our moronic president and John Kerry takes place tomorrow, which means we're less than 24 hours away from the media lying to us and telling us Bush won the debates because he somehow managed to get through them without setting his tie on fire. The blessing of low expectations shall once again shine on America's Most Powerful Spoiled Brat.
Just please keep in mind that the debate is not about whether or not John Kerry had sweat on his forehead or if his answers seem a little too long. Please listen to what they're saying, and then ask yourself this: "If George W. Bush has all these great ideas, why hasn't he done anything to put them in place over the last four years?"
He'll tell you it's because Sept. 11 distracted him and changed everything. The terrorist attacks were terrible, but our president should have been able to figure out how to get the country back on track after three years of time. Instead, we're at war with an enemy that wasn't hurting us, our economy is in the crapper, and every day brings with it yet another batch of lies and scandals from our Republican friends in Congress and in the White House.
You're all smart enough to already know this, but don't fall for this snake-oil salesman's pack of lies or for all the accolades the cable-news reporters heap on him tomorrow. I'll tell you in advance -- Chicken George did not win the debate. He can't. He doesn't know what's going on around him.
Idiots don't win debates. They only manage to keep from hurting themselves. That's the best he'll do tomorrow night. I guarantee it.